WEDNESDAY JULY 16
The National Football League doesn't need any more bad press -- dogfighting rings and shootings outside of strip clubs are bad enough for business. That's why the league is being proactive about the possibility of players flashing gang signs during their on-field celebrations, which often include scripted skits and freestyle dances after a player makes an exceptional play. According to The Los Angeles Times, the league has already hired gang experts to make sure no player aligns himself with criminal activity until after he's off the field. The NFL says that it would prefer not to be at all affiliated with street gangs (i.e, groups of poor men who compete for drug turf in parts of America where there are few resources for survival) and that it wouldn't have fined Chad Johnson for his stupid celebrations if it knew players would start doing stuff that scares its corporate sponsors.
THURSDAY JULY 17
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is tired of President Bush's continuous shit talking, and today she called him a total failure, stupid idiot and jerk-face fucker. The AP only reported the "total failure" part, but that itself was enough to make Congressional Democrats feel good about their ability to ignore Bush until a more reasonable president is elected.
Responding to Bush blaming Democrats in Congress for not passing a government spending bill, Pelosi said, "God bless him, bless his heart, President of the United States, a total failure." Pelosi's meanness was met with support among fringe demographics like anarchists and radical feminists who normally waste their votes on third party candidates just to spite politicians and America.
FRIDAY JULY 18
A dispute has broken out in Hamilton Township over whether or not new residents should pay for the expansion of services that they'll be using and enjoying once they move there. According to The Enquirer, the Greater Cincinnati Homebuilders Association has filed a lawsuit over the added fees, citing "horseshit" and "housing crisis" as their main arguments.
The township says it needs the money because, when new subdivisions are built and named after the native vegetation or animals they replace, amenities like parks, roads and firefighters need to be expanded.
SATURDAY JULY 19
John McCain is really taking it from the gays these days -- and not in the good way. The latest issue facing the increasingly amorphous Republican presidential candidate is whether gays should be allowed to adopt babies and raise them as if a stork dropped them off in a well-decorated and loving home despite the parents having the same genitals. McCain told The New York Times last week that he doesn't believe in gay adoption even though he's an adoptive father and was reported in WWE! last week to have tried gay sex between his marriages. The subsequent fury by gay rights activists caused the McCain campaign to backtrack on his comments and release the following statement: "As an adoptive father himself, John McCain believes children deserve loving and caring home environments, and he recognizes that there are many abandoned children who have yet to find homes and the gays can have those children."
SUNDAY JULY 20
Last week's monumental gun rights ruling -- favoring guns for protection of all homes -- has sparked a legal battle involving a convicted felon and his 15 guns. The AP today reported the story of James Francis Barton Jr., a freedom-loving man twice convicted of felonies, who was recently caught by Pittsburgh authorities with seven pistols, three shotguns and five rifles in his house. Barton's lawyer now is arguing that because the Supreme Court said Americans should be allowed to protect their homes with guns he should be allowed to protect his, too, and added that because he's a convict Barton can't get a job and has to live in a bad neighborhood, so he needs the guns even more than people who like killing animals.
MONDAY JULY 21
The suburb of Wyoming is considering new ways for its residents to access their many resources without paying expensive gas costs or driving on Springfield Pike. The Enquirer reported today that city leaders are intrigued by the idea of a rubber-tire trolley that would travel a set route and allow everyone to share rides to the local swimming pool, recreation center and business district. The idea is based off early-20th century streetcars that were popular in large American cities until the civil rights movement and inexpensive gas made commuting more desirable. Wyoming officials are looking into the costs and advantages of such a system but are concerned that if it stops near the apartments in Lockland their kids will get off and buy weed.
TUESDAY JULY 22
A British TV station is in big trouble after its anti-global warming film was deemed unfair, biased and totally misleading by the country's regulatory body. According to the BBC, The Great Global Warming Swindle broke impartiality rules by failing to reflect a range of views about Earth getting hotter. The film blames rising atmospheric temperatures on "changes in the sun's output," which was determined after months of research by England's regulator of communications to mean "daytime."
Contact Danny Cross: firstname.lastname@example.org