What should I be doing instead of this?
Home · Articles · Music · Minimum Gauge · Van Porno

Van Porno

Music News, Tid-Bits and Other Morsels

By · August 2nd, 2006 · Minimum Gauge

Porn Halen

Going into porn is traditionally a sign of a career in entertainment gone completely belly-up. Eddie Van Halen might not seem to be the ideal candidate for a life in the adult entertainment industry, but he's having a go anyway ... on the "soundtracking" side (thank God!). The guitarist -- whose groundbreaking Rock band has been idle, despite persistent rumors that original singer David Lee Roth might return -- has confirmed that he will contribute two songs to Sacred Sin, an X-rated feature from acclaimed director Michael Ninn. Van Halen says he is simply doing the job as a friend and fan of Ninn's; he even compared the director to Spielberg (we've always said Ninn's Double Penetration 2 is the Empire of the Sun of XXX). Ninn, who produces stylish, shot-on-film adult features (or, uh, so we've heard), has posted the two tracks at ninnworx.com; the track "Rise" sounds like Eddie Van Halen jammin' over a porn film, while "Catherine" sounds like Eddie jammin' over a schmaltzy soap opera theme before it bursts into overblown Prog/New Age melodrama. Actually, the tracks aren't too shabby, certainly better than the last few Van Halen albums (that's what no Sammy Hagar or Guy From Extreme will do for a musician). If this second career takes off, VH fans needn't get too depressed -- the chances of a reunion with Roth seem a lot higher in this line of work (and, just for the record, we're predicting Roth becomes a gaffer on a porn set, not an actor).

Stones and Phones

Hearing The Rolling Stones perform live these days isn't hard to do -- if you can't make one of their seemingly endless tours in person, there's any number of live albums out there, if you're really itching to hear their dreadful double-time version of "Satisfaction" (guess when you've played a song eight million times, you want to get it over with as quickly as possible). Now the band is making it even easier for you to give them money, or, um, hear their concerts. The band has announced that you will now be able to listen to Stones shows on your phone, re-creating the experience of having your drunk friend call you in the middle of the night, holding up his cell phone as Mick and Keef plod their way through "Brown Sugar" (presumably minus the slobbering "Dude, guess where I am?!"). The phone-casts -- which cost $1.99 for seven minutes, after which you reportedly have to hang up and call back to continue listening -- began with a recent Paris show and will continue through Sept. 3. So, for about the price of an actual ticket and an hour and a half of dialing and re-dialing, you can have the honor of saying, "I just heard the Stones on the phone." Call 1-800-Y-DONT-U-JUST-BURN-YOUR-MONEY for details.

Blame Canada's Musicians?

Border patrol cops have a tough job, keeping out illegal immigrants, potential terrorists, drug dealers and other law-breaking border-crossers. They're also apparently lending a hand in the culture war, specifically, fighting against the incessant infiltration of Canadian musicians on U.S. soil. At least that seems to be the case with an incident last year involving Canuck rockers The Grey. In a recent interview at econoculture.com, the little-known band says they were coming into the States for a show in Ogdensburg, N.Y. (no doubt a sweet gig), when they told border patrol a little white lie, saying they were not performing in America out of fear that their lack of work visas would get them into hot water. Seems it's the "lying" part the cops were more concerned with. After checking the band's Web site (which had the U.S. date listed ... doh!) and interrogating the band members for hours (reportedly throwing around more "9-11" references than George Bush in campaign-stump mode), the group says they were told that they would be banned from re-entering America for five years. The band says they are appealing the ban. Our question: Where were these border patrollers when the Barenaked Ladies and Nickelback first came to the U.S.? Think of the damage they could have prevented by keeping those evil-doers out.



comments powered by Disqus