HOT
Chinese Bureaucracy

The Rolling Stones' cavalcade of concessions continued on their recent historic first visit to China. The vintage "bad boys" of Rock were given a list of five songs they couldn't play by the Chinese government. The Stones were forbidden to play songs like "Brown Sugar" and "Honky Tonk Woman," presumably out of fear that the thousands of citizens in attendance would immediately start shooting heroin and engaging in spontaneous oral sex. Making a dead man cum, on the other hand, appears to be OK, unlike in the U.S., where the line about post-mortem orgasms was removed from the group's half-time performance of "Start Me Up" at the Super Bowl this year. That wasn't the only controversy surrounding the band's Shanghai visit -- tickets to the event are believed to have been doled out to mostly non-Chinese visitors and the country's elite, what with many single tickets reportedly costing more than the average Chinese worker's monthly wage.

WARM
Payola Pay-Offs?

Can you really put a price on the pain inflicted on the public by broadcasting Maroon 5 and John Mayer songs ad nauseum? That's what's being discussed now in the ongoing payola scandal infesting commercial radio and the music business. Four of the major radio conglomerates being investigated for allegedly accepting gifts or money for airplay are reportedly ready to settle up. But what is a fair payout for radio station pay-offs? The FCC -- which jumped on the case after New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer opened an investigation, but is now working its own angle -- is negotiating the settlements, which might come in handy for the largest company on the hot-seat, current administration pals Clear Channel. But, according to ABC News, the company's initial low-ball, chump-change offer was called "laughable" by industry and FCC sources. One FCC source told ABC that the corporation's first settlement offer was a paltry $500,000, an amount Clear Channel likely keeps in the front-desk secretary's "petty cash" drawer. The offer reportedly has expanded to up to $3 million, still pizza-party money for CC.

Mistakes on a Plane

We think we have Bush, Inc.'s plan to win the "War on Terror" all figured out now. As we've been told, "they" hate us for our freedom ("they" presumably being terrorists and other evil-doers). So how better to make the Taliban fall in love with us English-speaking patriots than to limit our rights?! Genius, that man. England, our biggest ally in the "war," is doing its part as well. A 24-year-old on his way to catch a plane was heroically ratted out by his cab driver, who rushed to police to report "suspicious activity." Was the man whittling a shiv, tying the laces on his shoe-bomb and muttering "Death to Blair" under his breath? Um, not quite. The fella was merely listening to music on the ride to the airport, reportedly daring to cue up such terrorist anthems as The Clash's "London Calling" (offending lyric: "Now war is declared/And battle come down") and Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song" (a Viking call-to-arms -- maybe Vikings are the new Hezbollah?). The music-lover was reportedly pulled off of his plane for questioning and then released, but not before his flight had already departed.

COLD
Working Class Zero

We'd love to see the daily to-do list of British Rock star Pete Doherty: Wake up; check e-mail; go to the shop for some crisps; get arrested for heroin possession; mow the lawn. But congratulations to ol' Pete are due -- he didn't get arrested for drugs this week! (Well, as of our press deadline.) But Doherty has stayed in the headlines by reportedly announcing he would marry Kate Moss this year (the bride'll wear white; the groom, puke) and pronouncing himself the world's "most important Rock star" and "the new Lennon." Is he on crack? Oh, wait ...