Photo By Cameron Knight

While Dean Jablonski looked like he came straight from the gym, his partner Sharkboy looked like he came straight from an S&M wading pool. They out-wrestled two Simply Fabulous guys in HWA's WW3 War Games Dec. 29.

He's director of operations for Cincinnati's own Heartland Wrestling Association (HWA), which staged "WW3 War Games," a Dec. 29 tag match with three other independent wrestling companies.

Browning tiles set in what looks like Everyman's small-town high school gym demarcate the Montgomery County Fairgrounds coliseum. A dilapidated Pepsi machine slouches like it's slipped outside to keep smokers company.

Inside, three elevated rings cluster at the rear of the gym, where a blonde ring announcer introduces Simply Fabulous. Two men in stretchy, sparkly singlets push past the curtain from the wrestlers' green room. They're followed by a large woman wearing a black fur coat and an enormous mound of curly blonde hair. A rabidly attentive videographer, obviously part of the act, hop-skips along. The two wrestlers take the center ring and strut.

"Anybody want to come up here and lick my candy cane?" one asks, holding the hook of a full-size candy cane to his spangled crotch and jabbing the other end at a referee, who falls back onto the ropes.

"You poked that in my eye!" the ref whines.

"Don't act like you didn't like it."

The crowd of about 200 seems indifferent. The emcee feigns brief concern for the ref, who pouts. Simply Fabulous mounts the ropes on diagonal corners of the ring to preen for the audience. They remain unimpressed.

"Oh please, Hulk Hogan wannabe!" a man shouts.

Enter the opposing team, Sharkboy and Dean Jablonski. Sharkboy wears a bondage mask festooned with a fin. He drives that point home by making a fin with a hand to his forehead. In the audience, a boy of about 9 stands and emulates him.

Then a bell rings and the match is on.

This is the community theater of pro wrestling. The gym's harsh fluorescent lighting falls on punches that miss landing by inches. A pantomimed knee to the nads doesn't come anywhere close.

Still, the body slams are endlessly satisfying.

The audience perches on metal bleachers or folding chairs with yellow plastic seats. Blankets around shoulders and puffy jackets brace against the gym's draft. A concession stand sells no booze but lots of meat products. Two folding merch tables feature DVDs, fliers, T-shirts and three photos of a sneering "Wildman from Dixieland" posing in front of a Confederate flag. They cost $2, according to the index card set against the photo-processing envelope they came in.

The crowd seems only mildly interested in the first two matches, though a certain excitable faction keeps breaking into chants:

"Piece of crap!"

"Kick his ass!"

"Garbage!"

"Nine-one-one!"

A shrill young boy picks up on the 911 idea and doesn't put it down, chanting it over and over 'til he sounds like a car alarm.

The crowd does liven up when Sharkboy sneaks up behind the big blonde woman, who's climbed the ropes to argue with the ref, and pretends to bite her butt.

He and Jablonski, a massive blonde Adonis wearing short shorts, are declared the winners.

Photo By Cameron Knight

This is what happens when an independent wrestler named Stamp Lickage goes postal.

The highlight of the following match is a large man dressed as a postal service worker: Stamp Lickage.

Like any soap opera worth its afternoon hour, this show is as much pomp as circumstance. The Heartland Wrestling Association's Web site (www.hwaonline.com) describes what unfolded later that night.

"The huge 100 man Battle Royal featured guys from six states, and 22 feds. We would see Shawn Osborn dumped over the top rope with only three people remaining, by the masked Michigan Mauler. Moments later we would find out that the Mauler was the manager of Rory Fox, Patrick Black. Black then eliminated himself, leaving Dr. Bones as the winner."

Apparently some personal problems also crept into the ring.

"Team Fox also had a few issues with Nigel McGuinness breaking down on his way to the show, and the Champ Rory Fox falling victim to the Comair computer glitch and getting stranded in Iowa."