By Dimitris Katsaounis

Wang Dang Sweet Ted Nugent

JANUARY
2003: Sales panic warranted?

The SoundScan reports for 2003 CD sales were released, and they show that the industry is correct in their assessment that sales are on the decline. And the numbers suggest the file-sharing-induced panic might be justified, with some genres down as much as 10 million units. R&B CD sales saw the biggest drop, but it still remains the highest-selling genre. Jazz, Alternative and Latin music were the big winners of 2003, posting the only actual sales increases. And John Tesh might want to look into a Queer Eye makeover: New Age sales remained the lowest of the big genres, selling only about 5.5 million copies. 50 Cent's Get Rich or Die Tryin' sold the most in 2003, topping the entire New Age catalog's take by almost a million units.

Rock Royalty

Eric Clapton and Kinks' frontman Ray Davies (pre-New Orleans shooting) were named 2004 recipients of the Commander of the Order of the British Empire award. Davies is known for writing some of the most enduring songs of the 20th century; Clapton is best known for playing the same guitar solo for the past 20 years.

Rush of Booze to the Head

Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson was arrested at a New Year's Eve party in Florida for alleged drunken and violent conduct. Lifeson (born Alex Zivojinovich) reportedly fought police who were summoned after he refused to leave the stage where the house band of the Ritz-Carlton was performing. Police say Lifeson spat at them and pushed an officer down a stairwell; he denies the charges (his son, also arrested, says officers roughed his father up and broke his nose). After listening to Geddy Lee sing for 30 years straight, we say cut the guy a little slack.

Apple Goes Back To Garage

Apple released the GarageBand program, a relatively easy to use "recording studio" application. The software's list price of $49 is what really makes it a big deal. The good news: Now anyone can record music more easily. The bad news: Now anyone can record music more easily.

Ozzy's Not Dead

A WEBN DJ pulled a naughty prank by announcing that Rock/Reality TV star Ozzy Osbourne had died, while playing numerous Oz-related songs in "tribute." According to the "prince of fucking darkness" himself, he in fact did die -- twice! -- following a quad-motorcycle accident (he was revived by a "handler"). Listeners took the "rumor" and ran with it, lighting up the Internet with the facetious gossip and angrily calling the station to complain (often on the air). Johnny Fever would be proud. But beware the wrath of Sharon!

Larry is the Nager of the (Local Newspaper) World

The Cincinnati Enquirer fired Pop Music critic Larry Nager. His dismissal was reportedly due to serious head-butting with assistant managing editor/features Sara Pearce; Nager filed suit against the paper claiming age-ism. Nager wrote for The Enquirer and The Cincinnati Post, off and on, for two decades, and deserves credit for amping up the area's local music press coverage.

Wang Dang Sweet Poon ... Ow!

There were some great music news headlines in 2003 (see: "Creed Sued By Fans," "Fred Durst Stabbed In Face By Fan"). 2004 started off with this doozy: "Ted Nugent Injured in Chainsaw Accident."

Case Closed?

Ancient celebrity psychic Uri Gellar announced he put Michael Jackson under hypnosis three years ago and, when asked whether he ever touched a child inappropriately, the beleaguered singer said, "No," repeatedly. Hey, that's all we needed to hear. Free Jacko! Locally, Channel 9's news broadcast the day the Gellar/Jackson bombshell came out carried the story ahead of news on the war in Iraq. Oh, and Uri Gellar -- pick up your phone! O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson and Gary Condit need to speak with you, pronto!

Blowing It Big Time

Another Master P protégé is headed to the big house, following in the footsteps of P's younger brother C-Murder, who was sentenced to life in prison last year for, um, murder. Platinum-selling rapper Mystikal (who worked with P in his formative years) was sentenced to six years in jail after pleading guilty to forcing a 40-year-old woman to perform oral sex on him and two bodyguards. (Mystikal changed his plea from "innocent" after police produced a video tape of the incident.) In prison, Mystikal's biggest hit, "Shake Ya Ass," takes on a whole new meaning. Watcha self!

Greatest Licks

Guitar World magazine announced their editor's picks for the Top 100 greatest Metal guitarists, to be featured in the March issue. Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi topped the list, followed by Metallica's Kirk Hammett and James Hetfield, AC/DC's Angus and Malcolm Young, late Ozzy Osbourne sideman Randy Rhoads and, after a bit of a snubbing in Rolling Stone's Greatest Guitarists of All Time list (ranking No. 70!), Eddie Van Halen. The late Dimebag Darrell of Pantera came in at No. 7. The inclusion of Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel (No. 23!?) is cute and all, but seems a bit of a slap in the face to the multitudes of other more qualified shredders.

Reunited and It Feels ... Kinda Awkward, Actually

As far as "reality shows" go on television, VH-1's Bands Reunited isn't the worst thing you could fry your brain watching. Even if you're not a diehard fan of the groups the series tracks down and forcibly reunites (and, really, how many diehard Romeo Void fans are there, anyway), watching former musicians quibble and often bury the hatchet is mildly fascinating at times. Especially when the bandmates totally despise each other (the vitriolic Klymaxx episode was classic, for example).

Hello, Bong Hit, My Old Friend ...

Here's an out-of-the-norm drug arrest we didn't expect. Nope, it wasn't Snoop or Weiland, but poofy-haired singer Art Garfunkel, who was busted for possessing a small amount of marijuana on Jan. 24, found inside his jacket pocket after his limo was pulled over for speeding in upstate New York. If convicted, Garfunkel faces a $100 fine. That'll show him. (Mr. G-Funk pleaded guilty and ended up paying $200 in fines; time for a Simon and Garfunkel reunion tour!)

FEBRUARY
Going "Grey"

The Grey Album was one of the more interesting fusion of samples ever. The project, from the mind of DJ Dangermouse, united the vocals from Jay-Z's swan song release, The Black Album, with music off of The Beatles' seminal, self-titled 1968 release (famously known as "The White Album"). The resultant Fab Five "collaboration" seems a little awkward upon first listen (particularly the kick-off cut, "Public Service Announcement," which just sounds like someone shouting at you while you're trying to listen to "Long, Long, Long"). But dig in deep and DM's merger is nothing short of fascinating, as he throws staggered riffs from "Helter Skelter" into "99 Problems" or slyly slips "Rocky Raccoon" into Mr. Z's "Justify My Thug," which itself samples the hook from Madonna's Lenny Kravitz-penned hit, "Justify My Love." The closest Lenny will ever get to The Beatles, if you don't count hanging out in sushi bars with Sean Lennon. Unsurprisingly, the distribution of that intriguing "mix" CD was halted. EMI (representing The Beatles' catalog) reportedly sent out cease-and-desist letters to the producer and several retail outlets selling the bootleg.

Breast Super Bowl Ever!

A surprise was promised for the Super Bowl's eternally lame halftime show this year -- some Internet gossip suggested it might be some type of Van Halen reunion. Instead, it was ... Janet Jackson's right tit. All parties involved apologized for the "wardrobe malfunction," which, to anyone with eyes, appeared to be completely planned. The NFL has vowed to never let MTV produce another halftime show. They wanted to see both.

Here Comes Your Band

After months of speculation, the most influential (directly and indirectly) Rock band of the past 25 years announced it would reunite. Despite apparent bad blood and previous vows that suggested its impossibility, the original members of The Pixies (including Dayton area native Kim Deal) geared up for what seems like an unending global jaunt.

Cosmic Slop

The 2004 Grammys ceremony featured the usual mix of high and lowlights, and -- luckily for all of us who sit back on the couch and spend three hours making fun of famous people -- the lowlights once again prevailed. On the upside, the Prince/Beyoncé teaming was eye-catching and sassily nostalgic, and the all-star Funk tribute was a good idea (but sounded a bit like the flashpoint of a 50-car pile-up during Parliament/Funkadelic's 8,000-person finale). Then there's those tremendous pairings that absolutely no one has ever dreamed of seeing, for good reason. Chick Corea and the Foo Fighters? Sting and Sean Paul? Sarah McLachlan and Alison Krauss? Justin Timberlake and Arturo Sandoval? After a good point about the lack of government money being given to school arts programs, the industry once again took the opportunity to tell the world about the evils of downloading, debuting a new commercial during the ceremony that seemed to suggest that, if you swap music illegally music, will cease to exist!

Toilet "Bowl" Residue

With the excessive fall-out from the Super Bowl halftime show, the rest of the country now knows what it feels like to live in Cincinnati, with its unnecessary overreaction to the slightest things "adult." CBS and MTV continued to feign outrage and the media continued to help make the nip slip a much bigger deal than it had any right to be. Perhaps worst of all, Timberlake's 'N SYNC bandmate JC Chasez had his half-time performance at the Pro Bowl cancelled because of JT's shenanigans. Do you know how hard it is to get Sundays off at 7-11?

Might We Suggest Refunds For Bad Music Next?

"Refund checks" for $13.86 were sent out to anyone who bought CDs between 1995 and 2000 and filed a claim as a part of a lawsuit filed against several label conglomerates and retailers. The suit alleged "price-fixing" on CDs. $13.86? These days, that (might) buy you, what, a cup of coffee? Just remember, it's the thought that counts.

Download and You'll Sleep With the Fishes?

By Doug McDonald

David Crosby and Art Garfunkel hit it hard in '04.

Following another rash of lawsuits by the recording industry over individuals downloading music illegally, a New Jersey woman sued back, charging the RIAA with mafia-like intimidation. The woman says that instead of merely serving the offending parties, they are using scare tactics by sending letters allegedly encouraging settlement. The woman's complaint argues that this is a violation of anti-racketeering laws, set up to curb mob activities. At an unrelated press conference, the RIAA's Director of Anti-Piracy, Brad "The Belt" Buckles refused comment.

MARCH
Purple Hey-Yaz

In one of the least puzzling music bio film castings in recent memory, published rumors had OutKast's Andre 3000 negotiating to play Jimi Hendrix in a planned movie about the Rock legend's life. In other OutKast news, the Polaroid company announced that, while they were thrilled by the name-check in the duo's omnipresent hit, "Hey Ya," consumers should not shake their instant photos. The company says shaking your snapshots could actually ruin the pics. "Lay on a flat surface and wait patiently for your Polaroid, baby" just doesn't have the same ring.

Grey Tuesday Results

"Grey Tuesday," an online protest launched in support of DJ DangerMouse's copyright-defying Grey Album, resulted in over 100,000 downloads of the DJ's unauthorized splicing of Jay-Z and The Beatles' music. The protest on Feb. 24 (which encouraged the illegal downloads) was also designed to support audio artists' right to sample pre-existing music without being curtailed by stringent usage laws. Those who are discouraged by increased corporate presence in the arts and arts management should check out the Web site downhillbattle.com (a main supporter of "Grey Tuesday"), which watchdogs both big corporate maneuvers and the increasingly vocal anti-corporate brigade.

Crosby's New Deja Vu

David Crosby, known perhaps more these days as the "father" of one of Melissa Etheridge's kids rather than a member of Rock legends Crosby, Stills & Nash, was arrested on March 6 for gun and pot possession (insert munchies/fat joke here). Crosby apparently left a suitcase containing a .45-caliber handgun, a hunting knife and an ounce of marijuana in a New York hotel room.

Soon To Be Sucking On Their Own ...

The frontmen for two of the worst "Rock" bands to sell more than a million CDs in the past 10 years are threatening solo albums. Billboard reported that Rob Thomas of matchbox twenty is "experimenting" on his solo effort (by not writing crap?). Meanwhile, Billboard says Creed's Scott Stapp is "eyeing" a solo debut, no doubt first consulting with his minister, accountant and chest-hair waxer.

Esquire Says Cincy Rocks (But Not as Hard As Pittsburgh)

A pull-out pamphlet/XM Satellite advertisement in Esquire magazine put Cincinnati at No. 7 on a list of "Cities That Rock." The city that rocks the most in America? Pittsburgh, of course. The local media picked up on the story with great enthusiasm -- Channel 5 news did a story about the write-up, mentioning hallowed local music landmarks like U.S. Bank Arena (?!). Message to local media: How about reporting on local music itself, instead of waiting for approval from a national magazine? Take that New York City, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco and every other city that has a better music scene than Pittsburgh. Maybe a more accurate list-title would have been "Cities That You Might Not Know Rock."

R.I.P.

Influential Modern Rock guitarist, John McGeoch, a member of seminal bands Siouxsie and the Banshees, Magazine and Public Image Limited, died in his sleep on March 4. He was 48. Dave Blood, the bassist for Punk pranksters Dead Milkmen, died on March 10, an apparent suicide.

R.I.P.

J.J. Jackson, the only original male MTV VJ who never gave off the impression that he had been on the receiving end of endless schoolyard beatings as a child, died after suffering a heart attack. The longtime DJ was 62. Don't worry J.J., in heaven there's no more Laura Branigan videos.

Oh Courtney!

Courtney Love turned the crazy knob up yet another couple of notches (hell, she ripped the knob off a couple of years ago) with a cringe-inducing appearance on David Letterman's show that puts her in the same league as other all-time great Letterman meltdowns like Crispin Glover and Farrah Fawcett. What to do to celebrate such an eventful promotional appearance? Why, get arrested, of course. Love was later nabbed by cops after allegedly hurling a microphone stand and striking a man with it during an NYC club date after the Late Show fracas. A day later, she was again arrested, this time for injuring a photographer during a crowd-surfing outburst. Message to Courtney: You are not, nor will you ever be Frances Farmer.

R.I.P.

Jan Berry, half of the pioneering duo Jan and Dean, died on March 26. He was 62. The "creative force" behind the Surf/Rock duo has long been suffering through problems related to a severe 1966 car accident, which left him with brain damage.

Um, Wrong Reunion, Guys

It was officially announced that Van Halen would embark on a reunion tour this summer. But, unsurprisingly, the olive branch was not extended to original singer David Lee Roth. Sammy Hagar will rejoin the group, despite being unceremoniously dumped from VH and replaced by Gary Cherone of Extreme (ouch!) in the late '90s. When a tasty paycheck is involved, Hagar seems to know no shame -- he even co-headlined a tour with Roth a couple of summers ago. We're sure he'll be available next summer, so if you need music for a church fish fry or something, put in a call now and beat the rush.

APRIL
Harvard Says: Downloads Not Deadly

It's not rocket science nor brain surgery, but some eggheads at Harvard lent some credibility to the argument that file-sharing is not what is crippling the music industry (despite what the corporate side of the industry itself wants us to believe). A study by professors at Harvard (and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) tracked songs commonly shared on peer-to-peer networks and found no correlation between decreased sales and illegal downloading. Skeptics say the study was too narrow to track the overall impact. And there are definitely weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Kool Moe Dee's 50 Greatest MCs

Rap legend Kool Moe Dee ventured into book-writing, and his subject matter is something he knows better than most. There's a God on the Mic: The True 50 Greatest MCs elaborates on KMD's "Hip Hop report card" concept, introduced on his mid-'80s classic, How Ya Like Me Now. In the book, MCs are broken down and ranked by different criteria in 17 categories. Kool Moe Dee's list has Melle Mel as the greatest MC of all time, followed by Rakim, KRS-One, Big Daddy Kane and (no need for modesty!) Kool Moe Dee. Look for the sequel -- There's a God at the Word Processor: The True 50 Greatest Authors of All Time -- coming soon. Kool Moe Dee right behind Hemingway on that one.

Don't Overrate ... Depreciate!

Some of the funniest musical commentary running is in the pages of Chunklet magazine, a humor publication with a jaded Indie hipster doofus haircut. The mag's early 2004 "Overrated" issue tipped some of music history's biggest sacred cows (released before 1991), dismissing everything from Pet Sounds and Sgt. Pepper to The Clash's London Calling and Sonic Youth's most revered releases with an acerbic lashing. We can't wait for Part 2 -- Pavement, get out your protective headgear.

The Hoax on You

Internet rumors ran rampant that Metallica singer James Hetfield had offed himself with a handful of sleeping pills. It was a reasonable possibility -- maybe he finally got around to listening to St. Anger? -- but, alas, it proved to be a hoax.

How Can We Miss You If You Won't Stay Away?

Far be it for us to tell someone how to make a living, but maybe the music industry can put down the file-sharer lawsuits for a sec and place a ban on beloved bands trying to recapture their youth (and pad their bank accounts). Mission of Burma -- remember them? No? You are not alone -- returned with a new album, which will have about 50 aging Indie Rock lovers (and Thurston Moore) anxiously drooling all over their alternately-tuned guitars. And the MC5 didn't let the death of key members keep them down (MC5 without Rob Tyner and Fred "Sonic" Smith is like The Stones without Mick and Keef). The 5 announced a reunion stint featuring guest singers like Mudhoney's Mark Arm, Radio Birdman's Deniz Tek and Evan Fucking Dando (which is kinda like The Clash getting the singer for Letters to Cleo to sit in for Joe Strummer). Killing sacred memories one tour date at a time.

MAY
I Would Buy 4 U

Those who attend concerts on Prince's 2004 tour got an extra treat -- a "gift" copy of the modern music legend's new CD, Musicology. But is it really free? It's was revealed that the cost of the disc was added to the overall ticket price. Making matters even shiftier, SoundScan -- used to factor sales charts -- counted the "giveaways" as sales, meaning Musicology should be well-positioned to ride high on the charts as long as Prince is on tour. It's admittedly kinda brilliant, but it could set a shady precedent in an already shady industry. With a little planning, an "oldies" stadium act could now have a Top 10 album in an instant (you hear that, Eagles?).

Jay-Z's Problems

By Lucie M. Rice

Michael Moore and Pete Townshend duke it out in the press.

With his excellent single and video for "99 Problems," Jay-Z showed that he should have been working with legendary Hip Hop and Rock producer Rick Rubin all along (likewise, Rubin shows he should really get back to doing Hip Hop tracks). Jay-Z should, like, retire now or something. A heavily-blurred version of the urban-artsy video clip for the song (featuring indie film bad boy Vincent Gallo, the song's hirsute producer, and the symbolic, bullet-riddled murder of the rapper) aired on MTV after 6 p.m. (because kids go to bed at 6 p.m.?). And the video station showed the unedited version -- with a massive, "we-are-so-sorry-for-what-you're-about-to-see" disclaimer -- during late-night hours.

Fuck the FCC

Several media conglomerates and other groups petitioned the FCC to reassess its decision to punish NBC over U2 singer Bono's comments at the Golden Globes, where he spontaneously declared their victory for Best Original Song in a Motion Picture "fucking brilliant." We're all for fighting the new politically-motivated puritan streak the FCC is showing, but we're thinking the FCC might have been onto something -- winning an Oscar or a Grammy is fucking brilliant; winning a Golden Globe is "fucking irrelevant."

Ex Factor

At midnight on May 13, one of the area's greatest radio legacies, 97X, signed off after over two decades of cutting edge broadcasting. It was an emotional lead-up to the last few hours of broadcast, as current WOXY staffers joyfully told stories of their time at the station and played some of their own favorites. By the end of the night, not one of the on-air personalities was able to keep from getting audibly choked-up as they gave their final send-offs (each one nobly thanking the many listeners the station has had over the years) and played one last cut. The station's final song was the live version of U2's "Sunday Blood Sunday," which was the track the station signed on with all those years ago. Longtime WOXY jock (and still the voice of Miami University sports) Steve Baker was the final voice heard. A presence at the station for 20 years, Baker's farewell was a classy, Gehrig-like last goodbye. The last words uttered on the air: "Goodbye to the Future of Rock & Roll."

Prudish FCC Actually Does Some Good!

They've caused outrage for tightening the reins, but the FCC's crackdown on "offensive" material on America's TV and radio airwaves has now had at least one positive impact on popular culture. 'N SYNC peon J.C. Chasez said his single, "All Day Long I Dream About Sex," was dropped from playlists around the country because stations are afraid of anything even remotely controversial or sexual in nature. Or it could be that you are J.C. Chasez!

R.I.P.

Legendary Jazz drummer Elvin Jones, who performed on immortal sides by Miles Davis, Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker and, perhaps most notably, John Coltrane, died from heart failure on May 18. On May 4, pioneering Reggae producer Coxsone Dodd -- a crafter of the Reggae blueprint whose Studio One recording facilities helped launch Bob Marley and countless other legends of the genre -- died after suffering an apparent heart attack at the age of 72.

Clear Channel Strikes Again?

The big, bad scapegoat for most complaints about mass media conglomeration in the music biz, Clear Channel, honed in on the latest advancement in concert-going. Rolling Stone reported that the company -- bemoaned often for alleged monopolistic practices, as it owns a mind-boggling amount of venues, radio stations and other musical outlets in the world -- purchased the patent for the technology used to create instant CDs of live concerts, available to attendees immediately following shows. The report said Clear Channel has allowed some artists to still use the technology (which is an absolute godsend for taper-friendly bands), but you don't need a business degree to see that total elimination of any competition is the goal. The Clear Channel-derived pull-quote used with the RS article sums it up best: "We want to be artist-friendly, but this is a business." If there was a patent for "music," trust us, CC would own it.

JUNE
Flushing Phish

First Jerry dies, now this. The biggest "Jam band" in the universe, Phish, announced they would call it quits following the touring bout in support of their last album, Undermind, which was released on June 15. Guitarist Trey Anastasio says they simply felt that the band had run its course, and they were eager to end it on a high note.

Fiddlin' With Radiohead

Bluegrass versions of Bruce Springsteen songs? Sure, the Pickin' on Springsteen album was surprisingly organic. How's about 'grassy KISS covers? OK, that Hayseed Dixie record from last year, Kiss My Grass, was improbably enjoyable. But a Bluegrass makeover of songs by BritRock experimentalists Radiohead could never work, could it? The folks at hardnphirm.com hosted a medley of the group's greatest hits on its Web site under the banner Rodeohead. Funny stuff and, come to think of it, Thom Yorke does kinda have that Deliverance thing going, doesn't he?

Would 'All Out of Love Boulevard' Kill Them?

The city of Melbourne voted to rename a street "AC/DC Lane" in honor of Australia's greatest musical export. And somewhere Air Supply cried.

Creedy Bastards

The God that Creed has been singing about all these years apparently does exist, because the band officially announced its breakup.

R.I.P.

The world grieved the loss of legendary singer Ray Charles, who passed away on June 11 at the age of 73. Meanwhile, Punk lost one of its pioneers, innovative, underrated guitarist Robert Quine, who was found dead in his New York City apartment on June 5. Reports said he died of an apparent suicide by heroin overdose (friends say Quine had been despondent over the recent death of his wife). He was 61.

Back to the Future ... of Rock & Roll

It was "on again, off again, on again" for the online broadcast life of 97X. When the Oxford-based independent, Modern Rock station was sold, it was first announced that it would continue as an Internet-only presence. Then, due to the high costs of operating an online radio entity, owners Doug and Linda Balogh said that when the station ceased to broadcast on the airwaves, the online presence would die, too. Thanks to a couple of anonymous investors, the "it's not out of the question" tease became a reality: The station resumed broadcast on the Web, with many on-air personalities and staff returning. Hooray for rich people who wish to remain nameless!

Your VCR Could Be Next ...

A new bill was proposed in the Senate seeks to squelch file-sharing networks and abusers by punishing anyone who assists in copyright violations. If the "Induce Act" passed, anyone creating technology that is used to "steal" copyrighted material, even if that was not the intention of the creators, could be punished (the Act's proposed punishment includes lengthy jail time and hefty fines). Critics say the aggressive measures would inhibit technological advancements. Sen. Orin Hatch is said to be sponsoring the bill; Hatch previously supported a proposed plan to remotely destroy the computers of illegal music sharers. Ultimately, the Induce Act did not pass.

Local Musicians in the National Spotlight

Local Blues/Rock masters Pearlene garnered a huge spread in Fader magazine. In less joyous news, Patrick Collins, formerly of the local Indie Pop trio Kit Kat Club and music booking manager at Cody's Café in Corryville, made an appearance in the Michael Moore's op-ed/documentary, Fahrenheit 9/11. Collins, who was seriously injured during a war mission, is interviewed in the film. Visibly twitching from his injuries, Collins says, while he was a Republican going into the war, his politics have taken a sharp left turn due to his experiences.

The Devil and Mrs. Osbourne

British Rock magazine Kerrang! released a head-scratching list of its choices for the "Most Important People in Rock." We didn't scratch our heads about top choice Sharon Osbourne or runner-up Satan (though we'd combine the two), but the other picks. No. 3 was Clear Channel CEO Brian Becker (again, lump ity into the Satan pick), No. 6 was Michael Moore (did you hear him sing in The Big One?) and No. 10 was Avril Lavigne, leading us to believe that Kerrang! might in fact be written by eighth graders.

Cancelledpalooza

Despite claims of a successful return year for the Alt music festival Lollapalooza in 2003 (turnout at the Cincinnati stop was padded by last-minute cut-rate tickets), one had to marvel at the ambition of organizers when they announced that 2004's festival would span two nights. Alas, the fest was cancelled due to poor advanced ticket sales; Lolla founder Perry Farrell vows it will return in the future.

JULY
Rock & Roll Beat Downs and Public Sex!

Kudos to Hard Rock Web site blabbermouth.net for their show-and-tell coverage of two wildly popular Web stories within a week's span. The site linked to video of a scuffle between Glenn Danzig and a member of intended opening band, North Side Kings, before a concert in Arizona. Actually, it was more a beat down, with Kings singer Danny Marianinho leveling the diminutive Danzig with one swift punch to the head. "Mother!" indeed. Also on the site, photo links from a Norwegian Metal festival that featured a couple having sex onstage during a performance by the band, The Cumshots. The couple wasn't exactly new to public displays of affection -- they're from an "environmental porn" Web site (fuckforforest.com), which donates proceeds to the "earth's threatened nature." Can we get that at the Super Bowl half-time show next year?

By Woodrow J. Hinton

William Shatner rocks the mic.

Gay Marriage Ban? Ono says "Oh, no!"

In 50 years, American society will look back on the current proposed ban on gay marriage the way it now looks at separate drinking fountains for blacks and whites. Government-sanctioned bigotry drew the ire of Yoko Ono. In response, the 71-year-old performance/recording/visual artist recorded the single "Every Man Has a Man Who Loves Him," climbing the Billboard club charts (another retooling, "Every Woman Has a Woman Who Loves Her," is also making the dance-floor rounds). The song is a rewiring of "Every Man Has a Woman Who Loves Him," an Ono composition from her and hubby John Lennon's 1980 Double Fantasy album. Ono says the song's gay makeover was in response to a friend's remark that his mother had invoked the title of the original as a means to steer him away from homosexuality.

From His Cold, Dead, Sequin-Spangled Hands

A British advertising watchdog group was up in arms (so to speak) about a poster promoting OutKast's smash album, Speakerboxxx/The Love Below. The offense? Group member Andre 3000 is featured holding a smoking pink gun. The imposingly named Advertising Standards Authority says the poster promotes gun use and racial stereotypes. Ah, the old "pink gun" stereotype. Just remember, pink guns don't kill people; pink bullets kill people.

R.I.P.

New York Dolls bassist Arthur "Killer" Kane died at the age of 55 from leukemia. Kane is the fourth Doll to die, leaving David Johansen and Sylvain Sylvain as the only surviving founders. The band was in the midst of reunion activities, reforming for London's Meltdown festival by order of the band's onetime fan-club president, Morrissey, and readying a new album.

Michael Moore Vs. The Who

The Fahrenheit 9/11 director was lambasted by Who guitarist Pete Townshend for "distorting the truth." But the Rock star isn't angered by Moore's left-wing editorial stance. Townshend is upset because Moore accused him of refusing to let his song, "Won't Get Fooled Again," be used in his film because he supports the U.S. war efforts. On his Web site, Townshend -- who, anymore, would sell a song to a check-cashing place's commercial, if the price was right -- says he was initially low-balled. After discovering the nature of the film, Townshend says he didn't feel "Fooled" was right from an artistic standpoint. Because "Happy Jack" is perfectly in line with the ideology behind Hummers? Townshend arrogantly ended his rant by saying that Moore will "have to work very, very hard to convince me that a man with a camera is going to change the world more effectively than a man with a guitar." Moore responded by intimating that Townshend made his recent comments because the filmmaker turned down an offer to helm a documentary about the band's career (Roger and Me 2?).

It's the End of the World As We Know It

Jimmy Buffett landed his first No. 1 entry into the Billboard album charts with the dreadfully titled License to Chill, a promo version of which is currently acting as a coaster in CityBeat's music department, replacing a rusty copy of Kenny G's holiday masterpiece, Wishes. It's our first No. 1 coaster, too! We're convoying to Canada ... who's in?

AUGUST
Welcome to the 20th Century, Cincinnati!

Cincinnati City Council lifted the panic-induced ban on festival seating for local concerts. The ban was put into place following a 1979 Riverfront Coliseum show by The Who that resulted in the stampede deaths of 11 concert-goers (a temporary exception to the archaic rule was made when Bruce Springsteen played the same arena in 2002, and the Van's Warped Tour's stops at Riverbend have utilized a festival seating-like arrangement). The ban, which has cost the city concerts by artists who insist on festival seating, is another example of the Queen City's stubbornness and behind-the-times reputation. Concert security has advanced enough that The Who tragedy is unlikely to happen again if correct procedures are followed.

Rise of the Bank of Usher

When you think of Pop sensation Usher you surely think "pre-paid debit card." Or at least that's what MasterCard is banking on. The company recently announced the superstar singer -- the black Michael Jackson -- will have his own "reloadable" bank cards aimed at ushering young consumers into the world of unfathomable debt.

Spare Some Change

Political activist site moveon.org announced a massive tour featuring some of the biggest names in music, banding together in the name of regime change at the very top of the U.S. government. The Vote For Change tour hit several "swing states" during the first and second weeks of October, essentially encouraging voters to vote for John Kerry (while Move On claims to be nonpartisan, it was clear about its desire to oust our current dictator, er, president). The shows featured some interesting teamings at the various tour stops, including Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band with R.E.M., John Fogerty and Bright Eyes on some dates and Dave Matthews Band with Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals, Jurassic 5 and My Morning Jacket on others.

R.I.P.

Though nary a single person in the world would have been surprised if Funk artist Rick James had died in the '90s, his passing on Aug. 6 took many by complete surprise. James was underrated due to his antics and legal troubles, not to mention his involvement in two of the worst "hit singles" of all time -- MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" (which straight-lifted the defining bass hook from James' own biggest hit, "Super Freak") and Eddie Murphy's disastrous "Party All The Time" (which James wrote and produced). Still, his album Street Songs, is a Funk classic. While early reports said James died of "natural causes" (he has had hip replacement surgery and a stroke, among other health problems), toxicology reports revealed several drugs in his system, including cocaine. Perhaps saddest of all, James' life ended when he was best known as a punch line, thanks to Dave Chappelle's send-up.

The Wall: A Light Comedy Musical?

Old rockers don't die; they just go to the Great White Way. Pink Floyd's epic, top-selling concept album, The Wall, is headed for Broadway. The album's creator, Roger Waters, will be involved, along with show producers Tommy Mottola (formerly head of Columbia Records and the ex-Mr. Mariah Carey) and Miramax Films. Rogers said he hopes to write in "some laughs." Just be sure to keep the nipple-shaving scene from the movie, Rog! And might we recommend Nathan Lane as Pink?

We Found Them!

Outside of Charlie Daniels, it was hard finding politically conservative musicians (or many other artists, for that matter) who were active in rousing voters for the presidential election. We know, it was the liberal media keeping them down. But somehow the "Your Country, Your Vote" campaign made news. The Country artist-driven project was designed to encourage everyone to get out and vote, regardless of political affiliation. But the campaign's biggest name, Ricky Skaggs, was vocal about his eagerness to re-elect the current prez. Other artists participating included Randy Travis, Darryl Worley and Billy Dean. In an interview with AP, Skaggs talked about our "God-given right" to vote (what?) and then admitted that the country isn't going to let any entertainer sway how they vote.

Fire the Boss?

Marilyn O'Grady, a "Conservative Party" candidate for the Senate seat from New York, put together a 30-second "Boycott the Boss" television commercial that urged people to boycott Bruce Springsteen's music due to his participation in the Bush-bashing Vote For Change tour. Finally, someone was addressing the real issues this campaign season.

R.I.P.

1980s Pop star Laura Branigan, known mainly for her big hit, "Gloria" (and who could forget her stunning turn as a guest on CHiPs) died Aug. 26 at age 47. Branigan had reportedly been complaining of headaches for a couple of weeks before she died; the cause of death was ruled a brain aneurism.

SEPTEMBER
Andre 3000: Republican?

The Bush daughters' awkward junior high book report-like "speech" at the Republican National Convention name-dropped OutKast. Their line -- "When we say we're going to see OutKast, (our parents) know we're talking about a band and not a bunch of misfits" -- sounded like it was written by Dick Cheney channeling Bruce Vilanch. But who would have thought that OutKast's Andre 3000 was actually in the vicinity, attending the RNC in NYC? Some reports said his mere presence caused ripples in his fan base, inspiring some to swear off ever buying another OutKast album. Mr. 3000, who was also at the DNC and says he has never voted previously, immediately went into spin control mode, telling the press that he was there to film segments for an HBO special about young people and voting.

Genius at Work From Beyond the Grave

It took 40 years and, um, dying, but Ray Charles got back in the Top 10 on the U.S. album charts. The late Charles' duets release, Genius Loves Company, debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard chart; the album comes three months after the legend's death in June at age 73. Tim McGraw's somewhat eerily titled Live Life Like You're Dying beat the icon out for the top spot in Genius' opening week.

From a Man Who Has Been Shot At A Lot ...

50 Cent said he's going to the Middle East to perform for the U.S. troops. Noble enough. But the rapper could be in for a bit of culture shock. Mr. Cent was quoted by Much Music as saying, "It's the same thing that's going on in Kuwait is going on in my neighborhood." Especially since the expiration of the assault weapons ban. 50 Cent further prepared himself for incoming missiles and antagonism after performing at the Carling Festival in Reading, England, where he and his group, G-Unit, were reportedly pelted with plastic bottles and booed offstage.

The Grim Specter of Death ... In List Form!

By Brian Hubble

Guided By Voices breaks apart.

The resurging interest in all things "lists" is apparently a global phenomenon. U.K. cable channel Scuzz (Scuzz? Makes "Spike TV" sound reasonable) hosted "Top 20 Rock Deaths." According to the channel's Web site (scuzz.tv), it's a "griping" (we think they mean "gripping," but can't be sure) two-hour "documentary," hosted by Metal band Cradle of Filth (of course) and featuring "pundits" from Good Charlotte, Incubus, Slipknot and The Offspring. All bands that (fingers crossed) could be featured in the sequel.

OCTOBER
Beam Me Up, Benny

Train-wreck fanatics, take note: William Shatner is releasing records again! Captain James T. Kirk (the T stands for "tone deaf," apparently) collaborated with Ben Folds on the bizarrely appealing Has Been. Folds manages some remarkable work musically on the record and does his best with Shatner's limited ability -- which is "limited" to his trademark dramatic-pause-ridden spoken word. Folds' chorus and backing on "That's Me Trying" deserves better, and the version of Pulp's "Common People" (surprisingly, the only cover on the album) actually works really well, though it would have been better to hear guest vocalist Joe Jackson singing the whole thing (what a voice, still!). Ridiculous, but not as silly as you would think. When Shatner's doing his best Serge Gainsbourg (see: the trippy, low-whisper "Together"), the album comes out a notch above "novelty album" status, which is quite a feat. Far from perfect ("Ideal Woman" and the title track are unlistenable), but still one of the most unlikely "pleasant surprise" albums of the year.

It's Peace Train, Not Plane

Former Pop star Cat Stevens -- a converted Muslim now known as Yusuf Islam -- was famously denied entrance into the U.S. because his name appeared on a terrorist watch "no-fly" list. The singer/peace activist's lawyers fought to get him removed from the list and demanded to know why their client is considered a security risk. And they won't take "His last name is Islam" for an answer.

Gunnin' for Votes

Right-wing gun-nut/Rock & Roll legend, Ted Nugent, sold a pro-Republican song through his Web site called "Stand" -- just $9.99 with free shipping and handling! The song contains sparkling witticisms like "I don't need John Kerry to wipe my ass," "Al Not So Sharpton is a horse's ass" and, our personal favorite, "Ya say you're friends with Michael Moore/Then you are friends with pimps and whores." We haven't heard the song, so we can't tell you what it sounds like. But we'll take a good guess and say it sucks.

Goodbye Enya, Hello Kool Herc

VH-1, once the Adult Contemporary music haven in the "music video" channel world, has gradually scaled back the Eagle Eye Cherry and Natalie Merchant videos for an often ridiculous, but occasionally entertaining schedule of original programming, best exemplified by the And You Don't Stop: 30 Years of Hip Hop mini-series about the history of Hip Hop. Insightful and fairly all-encompassing, And You Don't Stop betters like-minded genre explorations like Ken Burns' Jazz and that 10-hour PBS series, Rock & Roll, by giving smart, sociological perspective on the birth and rise of Hip Hop without coming off as overly scholarly or pandering. Treating Hip Hop like the unique American art from it is, the series succeeded by being respectful, intelligent and engaging.

Guitarded Solos

Guitar World magazine joined the trend of celebrating all things bad with its The 100 Worst Riffs, Licks & Solos of All Time list. Guitarist C.C. DeVille of the Glam Pop/Metal band Poison gets top honors for the bluntly titled "Guitar Solo" from the band's 1991 live album. The nine-minute epic was called out for being "completely devoid of taste, structure or steady tempo." DeVille (who is also rung up for his guest solo on Warrant's hit "Cherry Pie" and "Every Rose Has Its Thorn") was joined by an interesting bunch in the Top 10, including Blue Cheer (at No. 2 for the stupendous but apparently not guitar-nerd friendly "Summertime Blues"), The Beatles ("All You Need Is Love," in at No. 5), The Rolling Stones ("Ain't Too Proud To Beg," at No. 8) and Cream, in at No. 4 for a 1967 radio commercial they did for Falstaff beer (which seems a bit unfair).

Ladies and Gentlemen, You Are Floating In Space

Reports say David Bowie's "Space Oddity," a song essentially about a space travel disaster ("Ground Control to Major Tom/Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong"), was chosen to be the first tune played on the first commercial space flights. Passengers on the Virgin Galactic flight will not only have to cough up almost a quarter-million dollars, but also be subjected to other spacey "classics" like "All Around the World" by Oasis and R.E.M.'s "Man on the Moon." Songs not featured during the flights: "Everything's Explodin' " by The Flaming Lips, The Primitives' "Crash" and "One Minor Error and You're Head Is Going to Implode" by the CityBeat Family Band.

Poetry In Commotion

Hip Hop pioneer KRS-One took some heat for comments he made during a panel discussion in New York. The New York Daily News reported that the rapper -- known for his socially conscious lyrics and scholarly status in the Hip Hop community -- "declared his solidarity with Al Qaeda" when he was asked why the Hip Hop community avoided addressing issues that arose around the 9/11 attacks. Reports said the rapper did say that, because blacks were often denied entry into the World Trade Center buildings, when the planes hit, "we were like, 'hmmm ... justice.'" In an extensive statement, KRS-One called the Daily News report "slander" and defended the comments by saying he was speaking "poetically."

Watching Them Jumpstart One Last Time

Guided By Voices wrapped up two decades of existence with a typical night of inebriated mayhem at a sold-out Southgate House Oct. 22. Frontman and founder Bob Pollard hit the stage in a slurred blur, cementing his status as the Ozzy Osbourne of Indie Rock, at one point swigging from a bottle of tequila and dissing Cincinnati's lack of noteworthy bands. Even by Pollard's rather lofty standards of intake, it was a bit much, sometimes hampering the band's otherwise solid backing on a career-spanning set of material. No matter. After a rousing encore, highlighted by fan favorites "Cut-Out Witch" and "Teenage FBI," all was well in the GBV universe.

R.I.P.

Greg Shaw, an early music 'zine pioneer and founder of legendary Punk/Garage label, Bomp Records, died from heart failure on Oct. 19. He was 55. Legendary British DJ John Peel, one of the most daring and influential disc-spinners of all time, died on Oct. 26 from a heart attack. He was 65.

Teen Pop Horror!

The music world was rocked to its very core when Simpson product Ashlee (the sequel to "Jessica") shockingly failed to pull off her second song on Saturday Night Live. Simpson, her band and her "back up" recording all seemingly started playing different songs, causing producers to cut to commercial. Stunningly, it appears that the chanteuse lip-synchs.

NOVEMBER
And They Said It Wouldn't Last ...

Maybe the Boston Red Sox curse transferred to Jay-Z and R. Kelly's "Best of Both Worlds" tour. The trek never even got off the ground the first go-round (following the unsuccessful Best of Both Worlds CD release in 2002), and this year's effort was plagued with multiple show cancellations. The tour was dead officially after a New York show, when Kelly alleged that a member of Jay-Z's entourage sprayed him with pepper mace. (Kelly reportedly abruptly left the stage early after seeing guns in the audience).

University of "What the Fuck?"

We dropped out of college when the cost of tuition began to take away too much of our Cheetos money. But a couple of reports had us considering re-enrollment. At Syracuse University, you can now reportedly learn the finer points of reverse feminism if you sign up for "Queen Bitch 101 - The Life and Times of Li'l Kim," a class dedicated to the "cultural impact" of the diminutive, naughty Rap star (today's topic: "Breast Implants: Am I Too Short For Double D's?"). And at the University of North Carolina in Charlotte, students can learn about the fine art of karaoke in the class "Examining American Idol Through Musical Critique." We'd understand a cultural analysis, but this is a music elective. The class is the brainchild of a musicology professor who's also an American Idol fan, which is a bit like being an evolution expert teaching the Bible's book of Genesis as fact. When we can get a major in Ashlee Simpson with a minor in Lip Synching, we are so packing our dorm-room supplies.

If You Can't Beat 'em, Kill 'em?

There's a pubic hair under half the population of America that were so angered after the election, they'd do anything to get the current and future president out of office. But the hate-fueled actions of a Norwegian Rap group (which is kinda like an African-American Polka band) might have gone too far in their expression of disgust, at least on a legal level. Gatas Parlament -- described as a "Communist Rap trio" in press reports -- had their Web site shut down after U.S. authorities reported to local police that the group was calling for the murder of George W. Bush and even offered to raise money for a bounty. The site could land the threesome in jail for up to two years. The trio has said their actions were merely satire and a "political campaign." To paraphrase Chris Rock's take on O.J. Simpson's alleged murderous actions, we don't agree with what they did, but we understand.

Drum and Drummer

What did the drummer say on his last day with the band? "Hey guys, I've got some songs." The idea of a drummer as band leader has had limited success stories (Gene Krupa, Phil Collins, Dave Grohl, Ringo Starr ... oh, wait), but that isn't stopping ex-Smashing Pumpkins skin-pounder Jimmy Chamberlain from giving it a go. Chamberlain is readying his solo debut (under the moniker "The Jimmy Chamberlain Complex") for an early 2005 release.

R.I.P.

Beleaguered and eccentric rapper Old Dirty Bastard (born Russell Jones and alternately known as Big Baby Jesus and, more recently, Dirt McGirt) collapsed and died while working in a Manhattan recording studio on Nov. 13. Witnesses say he complained of chest pains before passing out; early reports have said he appeared to have died of "natural causes," but the official cause of death will not be determined for several days. ODB would have turned 36 years old on Nov. 15. Despite battling drug and legal troubles, the founding Wu Tang Clan member was a spirited, highly unique talent in the Hip Hop world, approaching his music and lyrics from a refreshingly unbounded, wild-eyed point of view. While his drug use might have been a factor in his original sound, it also seemed to have kept him from living up to his full potential. In the general public's eye, he's probably more known for his erratic behavior. Last year, ODB was released from jail after serving two years on drug-related charges. He was immediately signed by powerhouse Roc-A-Fella Records and also began working with Wu Tang again (the group recorded songs for the upcoming Blade: Trinity movie soundtrack) indicating that a full comeback was imminent. In related news, a different old dirty bastard -- Vice President Dick Cheney -- also complained of chest pains the same week, but survived.

Smells Like Holiday Spirit?

God (or the deity of your choice) bless British Rock stars and their blatant arrogance; it's so much more refreshing than the faux-humble U.S. egomaniacs like those frontdudes from Creed or Incubus ("I just want to touch people, man ... now excuse me while I take my shirt off; my pecks are suffocating!"). One of the top contenders for the U.K. X-mas No. 1 slot -- a race that seems to be as closely followed by the British public as the presidential election was in the U.S. -- is the reworking of the charity single, "Do They Know It's Christmas?" the English precursor to "We Are the World." Justin Hawkins, the cat-suited frontman for The Darkness, reportedly insisted he could deliver the line, "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you," better than Bono, who sang it originally and was called to re-do it again for the remake. Hawkins stood in for a missing Bono on the first run-through recording and then declared the line should be his. Despite saying he hated singing the line, the U2 frontman returned to the studio to record it on the insistence of the producers, and, ultimately, Hawkins' people said his comments were made in jest.

DECEMBER
Mother, Do You Think They Owe Me Cash?

The kids who sang on Pink Floyd's 1979 hit, "Another Brick in the Wall (Part II)" might not need no education, thought control or dark sarcasm in the classroom, but they desperately want back royalties. Members from a class at Islington Green School in London were brought into the sessions for Floyd's epic album, The Wall, by their music teacher, but, upon hearing the song, school officials forbade the students from making promotional appearances, making it initially difficult to prove their participation (the school's headmistress has since assisted in confirming the students' role in the song). The school received a small payment for the cameo, but the singers got nada. A lawyer for the students says each "kid" should expect around $478, according to reports.

Ice Gets His Goat

Ex-Pop star Vanilla Ice had his pet wallaroo and goat returned to him after they were locked down by The Man upon escaping from his grandmother's yard in Florida. Not returned to him: his career and dignity.

R.I.P.

Guitarist Dimebag Darrell Abbott of the pioneering Heavy Metal band Pantera was assassinated by a mentally disturbed man onstage during a performance in Columbus by Abbott's new band, Damageplan. (Two fans and the head of DP's security were also killed, along with the shooter, who was shot by police.) While it's easy to be prone to hyperbole after such a tragic event, the 38-year-old's contribution to Heavy Metal can't be underestimated. Abbott -- who, early this year, was named the seventh greatest Metal guitarist of all time by Guitar World magazine, just a slot behind Jimmy Page -- is at least partly responsible for how Hard Rock sounds today. Reports said that the delusional shooter was yelling at Abbott about breaking up Pantera as he approached the guitarist. Abbott's death came exactly 24 years after John Lennon was murdered by an obsessed fan.

Crüe, Don't Go Away Mad; Crüe, Just Go Away

So, Mötley Crüe gets together after a brief hiatus, and they've somehow got people acting as if John Lennon and George Harrison have risen from the dead and reassembled The Beatles. One awful awards show promoted their appearance excitedly with shrieks of "for the first time in six years!" We've had bowel movements that have lasted longer. Vince Neil is just killing time before his "career makeover" reality show hits the airwaves. Perhaps it's not a series, but a two-minute short film. "Career makeover tip No. 1: Get back together with Mötley Crüe ... The End."