What a piece of cake, especially here in Heartland, USA. The assignment: Find the perfect Mom-and-Pop dive -- a place with atmosphere, hearty portions, good food and happy, smiling regulars. Since carpetbaggers like myself rarely know these joints, I poll some native Cincinnatians for their favorites and head out, visions of Formica counters and apple pie dancing in my head.

First stop: MAURY'S READING DINER (9441 Reading Road; 6 a.m.-2 p.m. daily, 6 a.m.-8 p.m. Friday; 513-733-3233). Definitely no-frills, this place has yellowed walls, chain-smoking regulars and well-thumbed menus. Perfect. I take a big gulp of orange juice. Putrid. Effervescent. Science experiment material. I mean there are bubbles in this stuff. Fighting deep, intestinal urges, I rocket for the door. Definitely not eating here. Next stop: a nearby pharmacy. That Pepto-Bismol stuff worked like a charm after some rough eating in Mexico, so why not in Reading? Protected by the pink, I press on.

Third stop: LUCY'S DELI (8907 Reading Road; 10 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday-Saturday; 513-821-5900). Lucy's is spotless and cozy with nice lighting and a solid menu spanning Double-Decker Sandwiches ($2.80-$5.30) to Plate Specials like Hot Ham, and Chopped Steak ($4-$6.50). I'd definitely come back. Maybe even bring a date. But something is missing. Lucy's is too nice. It's not a dive. I order a Fried Egg Sandwich ($1.85). Yikes. It comes slathered with mayonnaise. I hate mayonnaise. Undeterred, I down the whole thing for research purposes. Now I've got rancid OJ and lots o' mayo doing the Riverdance in my stomach. More Pepto-Bismol. This restaurant reviewer gig is tougher than I thought.

Morale is low pulling into ROMBES RESTAURANT (10375 Kenwood Road; 7 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday-Thursday, 6 a.m.­8 p.m. Friday, 7 a.m.­3 p.m. Saturday; 513-891-4170). Looks too respectable for this dive quest. Inside, though, Rombes turns out to be the real deal. Décor is Elks Lodge meets family room, with a fluorescent smoking section behind a nicer, softly lit, bricked dining area. The kitchen is open, with hustling cooks in baseball caps and T-shirts. Tables of families are lunching, patrons talk to their neighbors and delivery guys demolish huge Beef and Beef Double Decker Sandwiches ($4.50). Seasoned waitresses sling plates with practiced ease.

I order the Veggie Omelet ($3.95) with Home Fries ($1.45). Peppers, onions, tomatoes and cheese are cooked until soft in just the right amount of grease; the home fries are real. I also try the Turkey and Cheese Double Decker Sandwich Platter ($6.35). The sandwich is hearty with generous portions of meat and cheese.

Mission accomplished. I love this place. Head to Rombes for good food, good value and a Mom-and-Pop atmosphere that's unpretentious, authentic and just gritty enough to keep it real.