Nutritional Counseling 101
I hate diets. I know very few that work beyond short term, and they are pure misery to endure even then. Does anyone enjoy starting their day with a half of a grapefruit, dry toast and skim milk?
I also hate the word "diet" -- it reeks of discomfort and torment. As a teacher working in the health/healing field, this is the time of year I get more questions concerning diets than at any other time. For five months, January through May, we deprive, delude and dupe ourselves -- becoming anxious nazi nutritionists, strung-out calorie counters and protein police.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be attentive to what you eat. Actually, a lifestyle of mindful eating would eliminate the need for dieting. However, when I'm asked to counsel someone through their own nutrition nightmare, the formidable task of teaching mindful eating just takes up too damn much of my time and also, I figure, quite a chunk of cheese for compensation.
So I've come up with some alternative, I've-tried-them-so-they-must-be-true tips for weight loss. My clients seem very grateful that I've saved them a costly fee:
· Host a lot of dinner parties. If you fatten up your family and friends, then you look thinner.
· Break things like cookies into smaller pieces. The process of breaking causes calorie leaks.
· When eating alone, don't bother with dishes. Stuff licked off of knives and spoons right out of the container has considerably less calories.
· Put snack foods on top of the fridge. There is growing evidence that calories are afraid of heights.
· Food high in preservatives is actually good for you. The meaning of "preserve" is "to care for or maintain." Pretty obvious, huh?
· Food used for therapeutic purposes never counts in weight loss. Cups of warm soothing cocoa, several scotches, a pint of Graeter's Mocha Chip and Sara Lee Cheesecake are all good examples of highly effective therapy.
· The best way to lose weight? Eat anything you want ... but you must eat with naked fat people.
