Awash in a sea of swords, daggers, more swords, lances and still more swords, the Ohio Renaissance Festival could be a sadomasochist's delight. But perhaps the most scathing weapon employed is a healthy dosage of witty repartee. For the multi-syllabically challenged, that means the practice of clever replies and retorts. (Not to be confused with "torts," civil lawsuits, or with "tortes," rich cakes made with flour and eggs.)
Entertainers who don their Elizabethan best for the festival often spice up their acts with quick-witted banter, throwing carefully aimed barbs at each other and festival-goers. Christopher Buehlman, who goes by the name "Christophe the Insulter," has a firm grip on the war of words, categorizing himself as a verbal mercenary.
This will be Buehlman's seventh year to walk around the Renaissance Festival with a wooden sign in his hand. One side: "Professional Insults"; the other: "You Cheap Bastard." He gladly takes your money and mocks your victim of choice. Hence, "Christophe the Insulter." (See, this really isn't brain surgery now, is it?)
"The more money they give me, the worse the insults," he says, without making a single disparaging remark to me during our interview. Geez, you would think the man behind the character was actually a nice guy. Or else he's just holding out for a quick buck.
"Sadly, insulting people is very lucrative. It's much harder to get paid for a complex, intriguing character than it is to talk about Uncle Joe's farts. The insulting thing is a very distinct experience," he explains.
And even though he has spent 13 years as a performer at various Renaissance festivals across the country, Buehlman has trouble defining his specialty. "It is a very difficult thing to explain -- the concept," he says. "It's a difficult thing to explain. When you say insulting people ... It really goes to this weird place that I have trouble articulating."
Well, that clears that up.
But return engagements to various festivals build familiarity as regular festival-goers see and recall how Christophe the Insulter works. "I don't have to spend a lot of time throughout the day explaining what it is I do," he says. That allows him additional time to talk about Uncle Joe's farts.
"My goal, whenever I'm insulting, is to get them to laugh," he says. And who doesn't love a good Uncle Joe fart joke? Heck, I'd love to hear one rip right now.
Ripping on people helped Buehlman get through high school. "That's how I usually handled any confrontations I had," he says. After all, he was "a painful geek in high school." His words, not mine.
A member of the art club, editor of the literary magazine and illustrator at the newspaper (notice a trend?), Buehlman also shared a love for performing, appearing in high school and community theater productions. So naturally he majored in French and minored in history in college.
Huh?
Actually, Buehlman's love of all things historical might go back to age 10, when he attended the Bay Area Renaissance Festival in Largo, Fla. For an event that shaped the course of his life, Buehlman's memories are sketchy. "I guess my dad had never been to one. ... It's a very hazy memory now," he says.
But it was enough to get him to attend, year after year. Before long he was working the stockades, although he might just as well have been imprisoned. "I thought that was really dull," he comments, so he turned his attention to performing.
He trained in improvisation and Renaissance-style acting at the Sterling Renaissance Festival in upstate New York under Gary Izzo. "It's kind of like boot camp for professionals," Buehlman explains. That insult sucked! Down in the mud and give me 20, Buehlman!
As Buehlman points out, "There is very little glory in being a festival performer." Nor is there much in the way of funds. It becomes a question of going where the money is. In addition to his regular appearances at the Ohio and Sterling Renaissance festivals, he often chooses to perform at various Florida festivals so he can stay close to his home-base. He has even gone to Dallas' Scarborough Fair. (Yeah, I have, too, thanks to a bottle of vodka and a copy of Simon & Garfunkel's greatest hits.)
So while he spends the majority of his year traveling to festivals, Buehlman has found other ways to make some quick cash. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. "I sideline as a painter. I do holiday themes on storefront windows," he explains.
OK, so there's no glory. There's no money. That leaves two options. Either Buehlman is certifiable, or he truly loves what he does. "When you're interacting, how can you beat it? Festivals are great entertainment. (Performers) doing something they're doing because they love doing it, not because it's a paycheck," he says.
Hmm, sounds like the same reason some of us become journalists.
But despite that fact, Renaissance festivals draw people in to be a part of the atmosphere. "This is kind of an odd thing. They're so popular with the local community. They will attract a lot of people who will get nothing or next to nothing. When it comes to the performers ... you get fairly dedicated performers," Buehlman explains.
And those attending the festivals can be fairly dedicated too, especially up in Harveysburg where the Ohio Renaissance Festival is held. "They're mostly a pretty loyal crowd," he says. And some of them might even fetch your newspaper for you.
That loyalty stretches to the infrastructure. Many of the performers, craftspeople and others travel to the same shows. "The community is really strong. There is a familial quality in that sense. There is a pretty strong bond among people who work festivals," he says, citing an example of one person's broken-down car and how other circuit regulars came out to help -- unlike the city streets where passing cars will just honk at stranded motorists.
As much as Buehlman loves the Renaissance ambience, the traveling is slowly catching up with him. "I don't know if I want to be doing this when I'm 50. I'm actually looking to move into writing," he says.
Oh, and here's a shocker: "I'm compiling a book of insults."
THE OHIO RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL features Christophe the Insulter, aka Christopher Buehlman, from 10:30 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturdays and Sundays through Oct. 15.
