By Aaron Epple

Sean Penn from Sweet and Lowdown

The people who told you this was the toughest Oscar race in years weren't lying. There were more worthy candidates in 1999 than any I can remember. If the winners weren't the best, they were at least deserving. Luckily, I can always count on Hollywood politics to screw something up, creating a juicy gap between the "should win" and the "actual win," turning the annual Oscar ceremony into fodder that's easy to exploit. And as we all know, even if we can't find anything to criticize, we can always make something up.

It's also a reminder not to take these things too seriously. Some people get so bent out of shape over the ceremony, as if the Academy set out to specifically offend them. But the Oscars are 99.99 percent entertainment. It's a show, and that's how we should treat it.

However, we shouldn't succumb completely to the prevailing view that the Oscars are bought. If we did, we probably wouldn't bother standing up for the films we love. And we should never stop doing that, even if it only makes a difference to a small group of people.

American Beauty Best Picture, Actor, Director, Original Screenplay, blah blah blahacademy winner
A great film. No doubt about it. But does anyone remember Robert Redford's film Ordinary People? Best Picture winner 20 years ago, it was another intelligent and painful portrayal of a family in crisis. American Beauty was a great deal darker, more of a fantasia. Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore were far more familiar than Lester Burnham. But I won't say anything openly negative. After watching Billy Crystal's opener, I don't want Lester wandering into my shower either.

The Insider: Academy Loser
The "I wouldn't tell Russell no to his face" Award
Great performances. Brilliant script. A fact-heavy, legalistic drama that's as exciting as any blockbuster. And I wouldn't stand next to Russell Crowe and give anything to Kevin Spacey. With that bulk and perpetually fierce expression, he seems like he would knock you into the dirt just for saying hello improperly.

Sean Penn (Sweet and Lowdown): Academy Loser
The "Aloha, Mr. Hand" Award
Not to take anything away from Woody Allen's womanizing guitarist (whose merits are many), but this actor has deserved an Oscar ever since he spoke the words, "Oh, those guys are fags!"

Janet McTeer from Tumbleweeds

The Cider House Rules, Best Adapted Screenplay: Academy Winner
A sweet, amiable and utterly nondescript movie. Neither a slice of life nor a personal journey, the protagonist sets out on a mundane, sometimes puzzling series of adventures. It's rich in the "so what?" factor. Considering it shared this category with Election, The Insider and The Talented Mr. Ripley, this victory was the only real felony committed by the Academy.

Hilary Swank (Boys Don't Cry), Best Actress: Academy Winner
Nobody thought the Academy would bend down for this little newcomer. All conventional wisdom pointed to Queen Annette. But Swank's victory is a clear sign of what popular support can accomplish, and deservedly so.

Janet McTeer (Tumbleweeds): Academy Loser
The "What do you mean, she's British?" Award
Janet's transformation into a fallen Southern Belle is one of the richest, most fully embodied performances I've ever seen. It's a reminder to domestic moviegoers that the nuances of American speech can't be taken for granted. Topsy Turvy academy loserGood facial but no original screenplay?Topsy Turvy had as much laughter and tears as any of the best picture nominees. The reward: Best makeup? Best costume design? Not to belittle the cosmetics of filmmaking, but there are plenty of crappy films that look great (i.e. Sleepy Hollow).

Angelina Jolie (Girl, Interrupted), Best Supporting Actress: Academy Winner
This little ball of fury never fails to impress. But I can't help feeling a little blasé about her win. After films like Playing By Heart and even Foxfire, volcanic emotion is something we've come to expect from this actress.

Michael Caine (The Cider House Rules), Best Supporting Actor: Academy Winner
Judi Dench took a best supporting Oscar last year with less than 15 minutes of screen time and now it's been passed to countryman Caine. The British Empire is not dead, but operating in subtle yet vast conspiracies (otherwise known as the Miramax publicity machine).

Samantha Morton (Sweet and Lowdown): Academy Loser
The "Golden Age" Award
Even the ones who praise her don't fully understand the magnitude of her performance. Morton's role as a mute hanger-on in Sweet and Lowdown required a gift seldom used since the silent era. Every false twitch or lapse in reactive timing would've registered glaringly on the moviegoer's mind.

Samantha Marton from Sweet and Lowdown

The Matrix, Best Sound Effects Editing: Academy Winner and Fight Club , Best Sound Effects Editing: Academy Loser
Although she was enjoying Fight Club conceptually, the crunching cartilage made my fiancé physically sick. You tell me who the deserving candidate is. People keep referring to The Matrix as a "risky" film. Okay, it's got plenty of violence, Keanu Reeves in a trench coat, and a lot of really cool special effects. I don't think I see where the tough sell is. And please, for the love of Christ, stop intellectualizing this movie. It takes more than naming your characters like Greek gods to qualify as philosophically significant.

All About My Mother, Best Foreign Language Film: Academy Winner
I remember walking out of this feeling charmed, the result of a pleasurable moviegoing experience. Apparently, I had missed something. According to the other critics, the movie was some sort of religious experience. After weighing the matter carefully, I realized I hadn't missed anything. The people who made this best foreign film committed a crime against the infinitely superior Dreamlife of Angels.

"Blame Canada" (South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut), Best Original Song: Academy Loser
It's not Uncle Fucka, but with the help of Robin Williams, this stood head and shoulders above all the sappy bullshit (aka Sarah McLachlan, Aimee Mann, Phil Collins). ©

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