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Prep school brat Kelley (Chris Klein) romances
local-girl Samantha (Leelee Sobieski) in the teen
romance Heaven on Earth.
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Pubescent foreplay is seldom this economical. Prep school jock Kelley Morse (Chris Klein) nibbles Samantha Cavanaugh's (Leelee Sobieski) toes. He kisses her knee, tickles her belly and fondles her breasts. And when these young lovers kiss, the music swells and the screen quickly fades to black.
Director Mark Piznarski sticks to romance fundamentals in the straightforward teen romance Here on Earth. It's as if Here on Earth doesn't have a spare moment to waste. The result is a stripped-down movie melodrama that tells its story as simply as possible. Its economy of scale turns out to be the film's best attribute.
Life turns complicated after Kelley tussles with local boy Jasper Arnold (Josh Hartnett) for Samantha's attention.
"What bothers you more?" Kelley asks Jasper sarcastically. "Getting bailed out by your girlfriend or knowing that she's adding me to her fantasy file?"
A drag race between Kelley's Mercedes convertible and Jasper's muscle car destroys the small town diner owned by Samantha's mother (a sleepy Annette O'Toole). Now, these newfound rivals have to work together to help rebuild the diner over summer break. That should leave plenty of time to battle over Samantha.
Klein looks dapper in his blue blazer and oxford dress shirts. His Brooks Brothers wardrobe is pure preppy cliché. His hair dangles across his forehead like some wannabe Clark Kent. More importantly, Klein looks even better sweaty and bare-chested. A teen soap opera like Here on Earth requires its male lead to be of the beefcake variety.
His All-American looks aside, Klein displays ample charisma as the arrogant Kelley. It's the same spark we saw from him in 1999's brilliant dark comedy Election and the hilarious gross-out comedy American Pie. Klein makes Kelley a believable snob, but he's left dangling by Here on Earth's formulaic storytelling. Brief moments of sensitivity fall by the wayside. Michael Seitzman's script gives Klein little to do or say that's remotely compelling.
A gold star for enthusiasm goes to Hartnett (Halloween: H20, The Faculty) as Samantha's lifelong boyfriend. Hartnett tackles every scene with serious intent. The pathos just drips from his shoes. But someone needs to tell Hartnett that Heaven on Earth is not some Jane Austen adaptation. Hartnett's dramatics, no matter how sincere, only emphasize the film's pedestrian content.
Only Sobieski seems capable of generating authentic emotion and rising above Here on Earth. It's amazing how the sound of her voice makes her dialogue sound a little less inane. Then again, Sobieski has shown us her emotional honesty before: A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries, Never Been Kissed and Eyes Wide Shut. But her efforts prove futile. Here on Earth's predictability ultimately pulls Sobieski down.
Her cherubic face makes an attractive bookend to Klein's chiseled cheekbones and jutting chin. She's a down-home beauty with long blonde hair and baby blue eyes. Pairing Klein and Sobieski as its clandestine lovers is the only thing Here on Earth gets right. They look good lying together in bed. Appearances aside, nothing else about Here on Earth seems to matter.
There is no gore or gross-out gags amid Here on Earth's teen melodrama. The film shares little in common with the recent wave of teen cinema. Tortured love affairs and life-threatening illnesses push Here on Earth's spotlight in a serious direction. It's not that teen melodrama would be a bad trend for Hollywood. The problem is that Here on Earth tells its soap opera in such banal fashion.
Kelley and Samantha take long walks in the woods. Poetry is shared. Flirtations bounce across their lips. They kiss under the lights of a vacant baseball diamond. Here on Earth is a JANE magazine fantasy brought to moviemade life.
Its conflict is tried-and-true Hollywood formula: a rich boy/poor girl romance. Love affairs from opposite sides of the tracks are inevitably doomed for turmoil. It's difficult for any film to put a new spin on a Romeo and Juliet-like forbidden love story. The problem is how Here on Earth strips the formula of any remaining spark.
There is not one single surprise in Here on Earth. Its Pop soundtrack blasts in all the right places. Postcard images of small-town life drive the story. Far away from newspaper headlines about high-school shootings and teen drug use, Here on Earth keeps its romance surprisingly old-fashioned. The result is a tale of pure fantasy with little real impact.
A climactic confrontation at a Fourth of July picnic offers little drama. Neither does Kelley's tearful confession about his own family. Additional melodrama only lulls the film further.
"We don't have to hide," Kelley tells Samantha at the town bus stop. "We can be together." The problem is, by this point in the movie, you don't really care what Kelley and Samantha do.
That's the dilemma with formula moviemaking. Here on Earth makes teen rebellion seem boring.
CityBeat grade: D.
