By AARON EPPLE

Scream 3

"It's all crap from January to May." That's what a colleague said to me in Los Angeles one day. She was referring to the post-holiday winter season as the dumping ground for Hollywood's bastard children. Films that the studios either botched or disowned. It's not a very positive view. But for the most part, I can't prove her wrong. But wait a minute, you say, what about Topsy-Turvy? The Hurricane? Magnolia? Ah, these are all 1999 films. The cities that matter (New York, L.A., Chicago) got these films in December. We rural folks have to wait (sometimes several months) for them to arrive in Ronald Reagan land.

So while everyone is thinking about the Golden Globe winners and how they may or may not filter into Oscar contention, the first quarter of 2000 is the perfect time for Hollywood to cut their losses and throw their embarrassing failures to the wolves. But that doesn't help the rest of us.

In the interest of public service, I'm here to acknowledge and offer my sympathy to those moviegoers who stepped into one or more movie cowpies this winter. I feel your pain, and you are not alone.

Holy Smoke

Scream 3
What Went Wrong: Despite all the boasting that "the rules are out the window" and "anything goes" in the last act, the third and allegedly final entry in the popular slasher series is utterly by the numbers. The inventiveness that put Scream on the map in the first place is nowhere in sight.

What Could've Been: Why not make heroine Neve Campbell the murderer this time? What if the events of the first two films finally put her over the edge? It's the perfect way to bring closure to the series with a terrific sense of irony.

Holy Smoke
What Went Wrong: Credibility and Jane Campion (The Piano, Portrait of a Lady). Intended to be a psychological battle (I guess), what we get is an incoherent Kate Winslet and a baffling Harvey Keitel. Would a man of his age and experience have such a fragile adolescent ego?

The Beach

What Could've Been: The story has potential. It might help to have a director who doesn't habitually send the audience to sleep. By the way, in case you didn't know, Kate gets naked again. With all the irrelevant back-and-forth about her weight, I wonder if that's her way of telling people to go to Hell.

The Beach
What Went Wrong: Don't be too put off by negative reviews and box office. This was an entertaining enough vehicle. It just wasn't the profound movie it wanted to be. In fact, the most unfortunate consequence of The Beach is that it might inspire a bunch of wannabe hipsters and rebels to conduct their own utopian societies, only to have them come home crying once they realize that not even the technological giants at Fox could beam the Super Bowl to an uncharted tropical island.

What Could've Been: I hate to draw another comparison to Lord of the Flies, but the film would've benefited if Leo descended further into savagery. Instead, it bows to cheap moralizing, further cementing Leo's reputation as the Titanic hunk rather than the credible actor who starred in Total Eclipse and What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

Down to You

Down to You
What Went Wrong: A new low in teen cinema. This made me nostalgic for She's All That.

What Could've Been: After further review, this one is deemed unsalvageable, although to prevent such a catastrophe from happening again, we could execute Freddie Prinze Jr. on general principle.

Next Friday

Next Friday
What Went Wrong: You're already in trouble if you're trying to build on flimsy material. The original Friday spread itself very thin. But due to its popularity, someone felt obligated to make a sequel. The only question is: Where do they go from here? Ice Cube's answer: to a completely improbable suburb with a lecherous, big-breasted aunt and the lineup of Suicidal Tendencies living across the street.

What Could've Been: Give me Chris Tucker or give me death. He was the only reason the first film was any good. Since this lovable, expressive motor-mouth is so obviously essential, you have to ask, what were they thinking?

Boiler Room

OK, like I said, it's not a total bitch-fest. You didn't really think we'd have to wait for the summer to get excited about film in 2000? Of course, there are a few winners out there. But with one exception, they officially belong to the spring schedule and are still a few weeks away. Luckily, I got a little peek at The Ninth Gate and Rules of Engagement so I can reassure you now that all is not lost. But first, let's look at the one film that rejuiced my optimism.

Boiler Room
A must-see for anyone who enjoys watching a bunch of little white-suits come up with new and clever ways to howl at each other. Boiler Room has some very recognizable roots. They even borrow the mantra from Glengarry Glen Ross: "Always Be Closing." But these aren't a bunch of older, burned-out types. These guys are what Shelley "The Machine" Levene might have been 20 years ago.

Remember that 1999 didn't start any better, and that was supposed to be the best film year in ages. So keep your chin level and your boots high. It can get awfully messy out there. ©

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FutureShock (January 27, 2000)

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